A Disclaimer

According to my tracking system, many people who come to this page are searching for real goldfish help, I'm sorry to inform you that the story before you is fictitious and holds 'NO' information on actually raising or caring for fish. It's funny though and my most commonly read work

Raising fish in uncertain times

As the owner of two beautiful young goldfish, I sometimes ask myself what will their future be like in this new world? Since September 11, people have rethought their lives and their day-to-day actions according to a newfound code of beliefs in their country and culture at large. But has anyone thought about the millions of goldfish that inhabit this Earth with us? I think the time has come to tackle some serious questions. I believe these small carp have feelings too and their issues need to be addressed.

As usual, on the morning of Sept. 11, my fish were up early doing their chores and getting ready for another long day of eating and swimming. I turned on the T.V. to view the devastation of an unprovoked and cowardly terrorist attack that had just destroyed two buildings and damaged another. My reaction was one of disbelief but my fish just kept swimming around and eating their morning snacks. I looked to them and shouted, "Do you see this?", but no reply. They were obviously in denial and refusing to look at the images on the television. I couldn't bear to see them ignoring these horrific acts that were being broadcasted into my living room. I grabbed their bowl and held it to my face screaming, "You fucking idiots! LOOK!". I then placed their bowl within an inch of the T.V., turned the volume all the way up, and left them there for four days without food.

Once the continuous coverage receded it was obvious the my fish had realized what had happened and were ready to deal with it. Buttercup, the smaller of the two, was swimming sideways and continuously ramming his or her head into the side of the bowl. Mr.Sunflower was in a catatonic state at the bottom of the bowl, I think it was shock, he just refused to move. I put them back in their regular spot on the mantle and gave them some food. I then began to talk to them, "It's time to heal guys. We need to stand strong, and not let these bastards get us down." It took a few days for Buttercup to straighten out and begin swimming normally. But my heart wept when I noticed Mr.Sunflower had been hit really hard by all this and was still refusing to do much at all. A piece of stirred up gravel had landed on his side and he didn't even try to shake it!

After cleaning their bowl, about two months after the attack, I neatly arranged their fake grass and castle and prepared to dump them back into their watery heaven. First went Buttercup, he or she hit the water and began swimming joyously around, glad to be out of the temporary coffee cup. Mr. Sunflower was next, he slowly slid from the cup and hit the water with a plop. In his now familiar depressed stupor he sank down until he became entangled in the fake grass. I was in a panic, that's the worst place for a fish to be caught. I yelled for him to fight it, "Swim!, you fucking piece of shit!", but to no avail. He hung there helpless, his sunken grey eyes looked to mine, and I could see his pain. I knew if something wasn't done my little angel could possibly die. I yelled again, "You worthless piece of trash, you make me want to puke blood!" Almost magically Buttercup came and nudged Mr. Sunflower and his board-like body slowly slid from the grass and came to rest on the familiar floor of the bowl. He made it, thank god.

Ever since Mr. Sunflower's attempted suicide I've kept a close eye on him. I've tried to get him exercising again but he just won't budge. Even Buttercup is trying, as if he is trying to pick a game of friendly tag he will nibble at Mr. Sunflower. Sadly the only affect this has is to rapidly deplete Mr. Sunflower's grey scales and expose his intestines. At least Buttercup is trying though. It's obvious that we're all going to have to try. We need to stay strong, and not give in. Always remember, friends, Jesus only loves Americans.

Russell Logsdon

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